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Sunday, August 25th, 2002
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9:20 pm - hot like fire
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oh mann, today i had a bad ass fever. like i got a mosquito bite like 3 days ago and today i broked down w/ 105 degree fever and shyt. bad ass headache, ears poppin, all those shitty symptoms.
so i took a blanket, folded it two times and slept. sweat a shitload, but at least the fever is gone. really sucks. good thing i don't got that west nile virus.
newayz, i'm going to florida on wednesday and blah blah blah. not really fun, not really crappy...i guess it's ok. then i'm moving into my dorm like 2 days after i get back. found out who my 3rd roommate is...blah. whatever.
now that i think of it, life is pretty shitty.
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| Friday, August 23rd, 2002
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12:53 am - sunny...
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even though the clouds hang in the skies and it rains here and there, all i see is the sun. sunny...that's all i see.
and today will be the same. no matter how much it rains...sunny...i love you...
american idol is a bad thing. now i got that song "sunny" stuck in my head. this is from an old episode, like 3 or 4 weeks old. damn fox.
(that was the only reason why i said that. and b/c i decided i'm gonna wear white pants even if it rains. i just don't care. sunny...oh nevermind, i'll shut up now)
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| Wednesday, August 21st, 2002
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12:58 am - to live this life over...
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if i had one chance to live this life over, i wouldn't change a thing because then i might not meet the same ppl i've met. that would suck...i would lose what i really want.
that's all i gotta say.
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| Monday, August 19th, 2002
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8:45 pm - sweet lies
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ain't it easy to tell when someone is lying?
(Guy X is always the liar in the following situations. NO i am not Girl Q or Guy X, these are arbitrary and have no representation of real life persons)
you can see it in someone's reaction. like this:
Girl Q: so what do you do for a living again?
Guy X: i'm the president of some company
Girl Q: but i thought you said you were a full-time DJ
Guy X: yeah i am, but see...blah blah blah
there's the lie. when someone uses "yeah but see" after you say "but i thought." now that's a lie. not 100% of the time, probably like 60%.
next case:
Girl Q: so what do you think of this band?
Guy X: they're ok
Girl Q: i really hate them
Guy X: yeah, they suck
now that's just vague. usually if someone says that something's ok without a definite opinion, that person thinks it either sucks or it's actually good. someone who changes their mind that fast without explanation, except your opinion, is lying.
one last one:
Girl Q: i can't believe you'd do this to me
Guy X: i did it because i love you
Girl Q: so you beat up my brother/killed my ex/told off my boss?!
Guy X: well, yeah...
not that he's lying, he probably did one of these things. but he didn't do it because of love, that's where the lie is. he did it because 1. he doesn't want to lose that ass, 2. he thought you'd like him more, or 3. he really hates your brother.
as to why i wrote about this, i have no clue...
(of course that's a lie.)
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| Sunday, July 28th, 2002
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11:46 pm - lean up against the wall...just wait...blood is pumping...
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so i haven't updated in a month...i keep forgetting. here i am now. hot, bored, damn bored at that. but i do have something smart to say (well not so smart):
how do you continue to follow a set of beliefs if you aren't quite fit for them? what if you're violent and vengeful but the beliefs say to be peaceful? you should be a vegetarian according to the beliefs...but you only eat meat. how does that work? and if you follow this set of beliefs, are you allowed to accept another? should you really be able to?
we stand under one. just one. so it doesn't matter. your beliefs should include having respect for other beliefs held by other people. yours isn't the law or anything...so chill.
that's done. now think of this:
you're in a museum room filled with vases, all shapes and sizes. there's bomb hidden in the room. the bomber has left you the bomb's measurements, about the size of a coaster...say 4" diameter, .25" thick. where do you think the bomb is? where do you check first?
do you check along the walls, ceiling or floor? check the lights? the stands for the vases? in the vases themselves?
no, if you're smart, then you'd look under the vase. but which one? the ones that match the bomb's size? no. that's too obvious.
look the biggest vase and the smallest ones. it's your choice...
(don't bother if you don't understand...i won't tell you)
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| Wednesday, June 26th, 2002
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12:07 am - it has come to my attention...
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...that there's a lot of wrong in the world. even though people are granted certain freedoms that cannot be taken away, everyday life is still censored. have you ever watched the news after something horrible has happened? not like some international sept. 11...but something that happened to someone close to you. say rape, murder, suicide, etc. say that you're...asian...asian american and so was the person who was involved in the incident. everyone that was involved, in fact, was asian american.
so you watch the news. you see trivial situations compared to the ones you just witnessed or heard about. nothing is worse than what you saw. but why is it that you don't see this thing on tv? maybe the tv crew didn't make it out there in time? NO. it's all because the news is filtered. why would asians...ONLY asians be shown on tv for something like this? the answer is that they won't. supposedly the model minority, asian america is *better* than other minorities in the eyes of white america.
it's annoying that such censorship is evident in society today. it's gay. there's no reason why some of these events should be shown. i'm not sayin that every single incident should be on the news, but c'mon. some of that stuff isn't half as bad. and the stupid failed robberies, suicide of some big superstar....that's nothing. report on what really should be reported on. just because it's an interracial matter doesn't mean the rest of the world should not know about it. it should be shown on the news and addressed by society that there still is a problem: RACISM and DISCRIMINATION.
and no, i don't intend to use this to slander a certain race or anything. i say this because this is what i believe is a problem in society that should be solved. whatever.
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| Monday, June 24th, 2002
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10:45 pm - what about us
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before i get into the topic that the subject suggests, i have to say that i think i picked the wrong place to have a journal. the problem with deadjournal is that nobody comments on it. like i know i'm not here to generate pity from you and all that shyt, but sometimes i wanna know what you think. AND i wanna know who actually reads this crap...because it's my crap. i wanna know who's interested in my crap.
so anyway, i went to the movies today w/ this one girl and two guy friends. like i've talked to this girl a million times online, but never got a chance to go chill w/ her. so it was cool, saw juwanna mann....funny and i guess it was worth my $6.50. then we went to eat and hung out a little and shyt.
when i was buyin my dinner, she's like, "you lookin for a girlfriend?"
i was completely caught off guard and shyt...i mean i was lookin around the food court...but hahaha, anyway i was like, "i'm accepting applications."
she tells me about her one friend, korean, 18, from georgia, goes to the art institute. she works w/ her and all and says the girl talks about gettin a boyfriend and all. THEN she asks if i wanna go do something and try to hook up. and i'm like...umm....ok fine. so yeah. just weird.
she showed me the girl's picture and told me about here and all. i was still stunned because i don't know if i could trust this girl. you know, there's a lot of girls out there that always do shyt like this. always tryin to hook up friends w/ friends and all. ahhh whatever, i'll go w/ it.
i talked to her one friend who was riding the same bus as me on the way home. he said she always been like that, she even tried to get him to take another one of her friends and all. weird. but whatever, he said i'd get used to her. you know i thought this girl didn't have a boyfriend and that's why i wanted to meet her. but then i found out she did...too bad. at least she's tryin to hook me up.
mann, i got this long ass story to write. if i finish by tomorrow, i'll show you all. if not, expect it by thursday. aiight?
latez.
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| Wednesday, June 19th, 2002
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11:45 pm - in a past life...
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(i know, it sounds stupid already, but just read)
i believe in reincarnation back into another human form. and karma as well. so whatever you lot in life is now...that is what you are from now on and in the future. escape from this world...the realm of samsara...can only be achieved by overcoming the ignorance that forces you to be reborn in the same circumstances.
to escape is reach nirvana, heaven, whatever it is to you. but are you really sure you want to escape? wouldn't you rather try to discover what you were in your past life? how can you live in the future...100 or 1000 years from now...if you escape reincarnation? i know it sounds stupid if all you do is suffer in every single life you live, but can't you take another 1000 years of suffering just to see what the future is like? not that you'll retain memories...but still....
what would you do?
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| Tuesday, June 18th, 2002
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11:55 pm - i feel red...
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there hasn't been a day when i haven't thought about something. i'd tell you what it is so that it's not so confusing, but i don't believe in generating pity for myself...because that's all that people do when they see me write sad shyt and all.
there is something i think about every single day for the past 3...no maybe 4 years. i knew that my world wasn't perfect, i wished that it was, it felt like it was. people told me that i was perfect. but that wasn't true. it was a lie that i was forced to live up to. a lie that turned my life into a lie.
everyday since then...i think about it. i wonder why it's such a bad thing. i try and i try...but i get nowhere. too weak and could never find the strength. but then i think, what strength is that? wouldn't it be better not the change the course of action and keep going with it? i'm not sure. i was never sure. ever since that day...
so what am i really saying? i don't know, you tell me.
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| Monday, June 10th, 2002
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11:16 pm - walk with me....
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my world is almost complete. things are coming to the conclusions that they have been foretold. what i'm talking about, i cannot say. but yeah.
anyway, today was shitty. it rained. then it stopped. then it rained again. on and off, pouring like hell. whatever. i went to some stores downtown and saw a shitload of crap i wanted to buy, but i didn't have money. whatever.
i'm going to sleep....finally.
current music: Ayla - Ayla Part II
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12:55 am - messed up....AGAIN
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fuckin....arrgghh. i forgot to change the damn date. that entry for 06.09.02 at 12:44 am is actually for 06.10.02 at 12:44 am. this is soooo gay. stupid journal crap.
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| Sunday, June 9th, 2002
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5:51 pm - current mood and music missing??
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wait, i'm just dumb, i didn't know that the mood and music crap was all the way at the bottom. dammit. oh well. let's add one now. i'll probably update later on tonight.
current mood:  indifferent
current music: Dee Dee - Forever
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12:44 am - hmm.....
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i'm up late b/c my damn final project is DONE! done i say. anyway, i'm tired as fuck, i've done enough HTML for a while....i need a break. that's why i'm not going to sleep.
whoa...ain't that some fucked up rational? yes it is. insomniac. i have a weird condition where my body only needs like 4 hrs of sleep. haven't been able to get rid of it. part of it is psychological...or maybe i'm superman. if i am superman, i'm gonna go fly.
what else, today has been pretty boring. i'm tired as hell like i said. wait, i said i was tired as fuck. now i got this shyt outta the way i can study for my final on wednesday. you know i want all A's this time. i always miss it by 1/2 a letter grade in one fuckin class. pisses me off. i'm damn smart and i know it. actually...no i'm not. you know going to go a private school and being an honors student is the worst thing in the world. being an honors student, you're likely to be a slacker and last minute person. that's not a good thing. if you do fuck up a test or something, you make up for it by missing grades by like .00001% or somethin. now that's worse than failing. there's like no way to change that grade if your teacher is a bitch like that.
ah whatever, i feel like talkin about somethin else. i think people need to know their role. if i'm in charge of somethin, they gotta know that it's my rules and MY domain. you don't like it, then get the fuck out. simon says....get the FUCK out. damn, this dj speed cd makin me fill in the blanks. it's CENSORED! it's soo gay. so i'm sayin all the words they censored out. haha, i know i'm weird.
aiight, i know you don't care about my insomnia...so i'm gonna go find someone who does care. looks like i'm gonna be searching for years. oh well.
current mood: i hate my mood things
current music: Mauro Picotto - Iguana (Blank & Jones Remix)
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| Saturday, June 8th, 2002
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11:01 pm - mistake
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it's not tosoku ryu...it's ACTUALLY tosoku reijiro. where the hell did i get ryu from? *street fighter II the movie flashbacks*
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9:00 pm - ahhh yes....
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someone reminded me to actually write in this thing by asking if i have an online journal. thank you, i almost forgot about it.
i actually have 3 online journals. the other two are somewhere in cyberspace and will never be revealed to anyone unless i think you're a close close close close CLOSE friend that deserves to know what i really think inside my head. fair warning, it's not nice, it has a lot to do w/ pain and suffering. in no way does it promote pity for me. if you ever pity me because you read my journal, you're gay.
i have a huge ass final project to do right now and it's gay because i want it to look oh-so-damn-cool but i don't have the time to do so. it's due on tuesday. tuesday's a long way off you say? no it's not, i also have to study for a final i'm having on wednesday. wednesday is a long way off you say? well yes it is and umm......whatever.
about my ring, i figured out the true meaning of it. the first symbol is section, second is road, third is terrible/treacherous or something, fourth is death or to die. And so...i've been told that it means "A section of the road is so terrible that it only brings death."
in better words, it means that there is a part of the road called life that is so bad that you cannot overcome it and the only way out is death. this is only half the puzzle. there is another set of symbols that explains how to actually overcome this section of the road. i must find this ring.
oh i found out my chinese and japanese names. i don't know if these are correct or how these came about, but my grandma's sister (who would be my other grandma) is big on family history. supposedly my chinese name is Cao Song (which is Song Cao for the Western world). and my japanese name is Tosoku Ryu (again that's Ryu Tosoku for the West).
the chinese name, Cao Song, comes from a long lineage of royal family that ruled China in the 3rd century. unfortunately, that rule ended in like 2 or 3 years....that sucks. anyway, i'm not royalty because i am soooo distant...and i'm filipino. haha.
as for the japanese name, i can only trace it back so far as the Tokugawa Shogunate. the only person i've been able to locate is Tosoku Satoshi. first he served as a palace guard in edo and lead a samurai life. but he left when his wife became pregnant and moved to some part of kyoto.
i can't even remember who it was that brought chinese and japanese into my heritage...it was waaay back even before my grandparents.
whatever, i'll write again tomorrow or something
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| Wednesday, May 29th, 2002
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10:32 pm - deep thought....or something like it.
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because this is a public journal, i won't write as deep as you i usually would. there's a place for everything: in a blackbook and on a notepad document somewhere on my pc.
that won't stop me tho. newayz, there are some situations where you feel as if it's bringing you down. but at the same time, it's something that has so much significance that you can't let it go. i'm not saying you have to care for this thing, it's just some feeling that you'd lose something important if you let it go.
i got this ring. it freaks out a lot of ppl b/c it doesn't have the usual Kanji symbols on it. it has the following symbols: pleasure, road, bad luck, death. the first symbol, pleasure, might not really mean that and is probably a very old symbol no one uses often. anyway, i have to wear this ring. it symbolizes something i must conquer in life. to be able to conquer death is the ultimate goal...at the same time i have to deal w/ bad luck. i can't just lose the ring either. losing the ring comes w/ a curse.
i'm not worried about the curse, i'm worried about the ring itself. it has sentimental value. maybe that's what i mean about other things too. they have sentimental value that shouldn't be lost. but they have a double-edge to them and take some much out of you...is it really worth it?
i wonder who has found this page. i'm sure if i wrote two words down, ppl would find this page quick. but no, i won't. if you find this page...you've found it out of your own will (or deadjournal's random journal crap). but anyway...whatever.
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| Tuesday, May 28th, 2002
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8:26 am - what it is right now...
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i didn't get to write somethin on sunday or yesterday. oh yeah, 411.
you can guess my name...too easy and quite obvious from my username. i don't gotta go into specifics, this ain't no personal page to hook up w/ someone. i got a weird way of thinking that a lot of ppl are scared of and only some are able to accept. you decide what level to interpret my words. i'll have you switching so much you won't even know what level to think on anymore. that's me. complex.
oh yeah, if you find this journal, leave some comments and shyt. tell me what you think or how you interpret what i write. whatever, i gotta get to school.
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| Saturday, May 25th, 2002
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4:57 pm - 1st Stage
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aiight, this is the first time i've ever used one of these journal/diary service things. sucks. but i have no choice since my comp is slow (133 mhz pentium) and i want to write something, but pen and paper ain't enough sometimes. so here i am.
if you find this journal for some odd reason, you're actively searching for it then. i put this up on deadjournal because i know most of you would find it on livejournal...but deadjournal...nawww. and i didn't have an invite code for livejournal anyway. how stupid is that? how are you supposed to keep a journal completely private with no one knowing about it on livejournal if someone has to give you a damn invite code??? whatever.
i set this up as something in case my site on tripod goes down and all that. and b/c i have to be away for a while. for the next 3 weeks, gotta stay away and do my damn schoolwork. yeah you heard me. i need to get good ass grades and shyt like that.
i'll have a 411 tomorrow or somethin. so chill.
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